Where exactly does one go to buy a mattress? I’m asking for a friend. A friend named Me.
The only major purchase I’ve ever made is my last car and I’m not sure I even did that right. I signed a bunch of papers and they let me leave with it so I’m guessing I didn’t fuck it up. But if someone shows up to take it, I won’t be completely surprised.
How, you’re probably wondering, do I have anything? Well, when something dies, like let’s say my washing machine, I just ask for a new one from my dad as a Christmas/Birthday present. Unfortunately, both holidays (yes, my birthday is a holiday) have passed and as spoiled as I am I’m not sure I can get Daddy to buy me a belated President’s day or Yay! It’s Almost March present.
The other night I explained this to my date and asked him how someone would go about making such a purchase, because, you know, I like to be up front about how clueless and spoiled I am with a person I could possibly have a relationship with. What you see is what you get. I’m not going to pretend to be normal to get you in my grasp and then spring the crazy on you later. I lead with the crazy…and that is probably why I’m single.
But I digress.
Floyd, an alias for him we’ve mutually agreed on, to his credit did not outwardly react to the ridiculousness of my inquiry. He simply said, “Google it, Agatha.”* And I did. And there are actual articles!
Did you know that there are different types of mattresses? Apparently all these years my mom has been buying me ones consumers refer to as “harder than caveman beds” but I could have been sleeping on something called “plush”. In my head I imagine those ones are made of clouds and kittens. I wanna sleep on clouds and kittens.
Did you also know that if you buy a mattress most places will deliver it AND take away your old one? I cannot even begin to explain how long and hard I’ve thought about how I was going to get a queen sized mattress home with my little VW Beetle convertible. As for the old one, it would probably have become the new dog bed because I have no idea what you do with oversized trash like that. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have just dragged it into the trash room and I think the nearest dump is in West Virginia.
So, this weekend I have blocked off time to go shopping for new bed. This sounds pretty much like heaven. Shopping and spending hours on my back? Yes, please. I get to go bed hopping and this time it’s not going to end in a pregnancy scare. Win.
*Okay, so he didn’t call me Agatha but that’s the alias that we gave me even though I don’t need one because this is my blog and my real name is in the title. I just wanted to bring it up because I like it a lot.