Today is my 35th birthday. I wanted to write a post about how I’ve grown and all of the lessons I’ve learned in my life. I planned to share my wisdom with all the young whippersnappers and reflect on the years gone by. Perhaps even ponder what was in store for the years to come or share some more meaningful Whitney Houston songs.
Then I found a white pubic hair.
Now, in the last year I’ve found 2 stark white hairs on my head. They were thick like dental floss and made me think of an old storybook witch. I immediately plucked them and tossed them out. If you ignore them, they never existed, right? I didn’t let them bother me. Although I did, briefly, consider building a house made of candy.
But this is different. The implication here is that my vagina is getting old. I am not ready for my vagina to be old. We got plans, yo. I’ve been taking care of this thing – cleaning, grooming, kegeling – so that it stays in tip-top shape. I would even go as far as to say that one of the reasons I don’t have children is so that it doesn’t go all twat waffled. Obviously it’s not the main reason. It’s somewhere down the list behind my alcoholism, my unwillingness to push a large living being through a tiny hole in my body, and my inability to stand any crying other than my own but it IS on the list.
What’s next, huh? Wrinkly boobs? I already have to tighten my bra straps to keep the damn things up around my neck instead of down by my knees interfering with my mobility. They’re constantly trying to escape, too. I feel like a goddamn lion tamer with chair and a whip yelling, “Get back in there! Hiya!”
The fact of the matter is this: I’m not ready to get old. If I recall correctly my dad had is first mid-life crisis when he was in his late 30s and I can’t afford to buy a Corvette yet. I would really appreciate it if one of you smart people reading this would please start working on reversing the aging process. I’m not asking for much. Just turning the clock back 5 years or so…and staying there…forever.
Until then, for my birthday present you can get me a gift certificate for a Brazilian and/or a boob lift.