Period.

15 Jan

Eat-crying: When you stuff your face with everything in sight because you’re on your period but cry because you know you’re going to get terribly fat.

Example – You sob, “I shouldn’t be eating this!” as you shove chocolate covered marshmallows down your throat. Whole.

THAT is how I will spend my day today. Jealous?

I’m not sure when my periods got so bad but recently I’ve come to the conclusion that my uterus is trying to kill me. It’s not bad enough that blood is gushing from my nether regions and my hormones are so completely out of whack that I cry at just about anything but I have to have excruciating cramps, too? Listen, Uterus, don’t make me take you out.

Right now there are some guys reading this going, “I think I should probably just stop here.” Don’t. You keep reading, asshole, and I’ll let you know what it’s like to be doubled over in pain for 4 days while your body freaks the fuck out. I’ve taken half a damn bottle of Aleve and that shit isn’t alleviating anything. And don’t try to compare having shit cramps or the pain you feel when I backhand you in the balls. This doesn’t even come close. My insides are saying, “You didn’t use this egg I gave you and now you will pay!!!” and they feel like they’re going to implode.

This is the part where mothers chime in and put in their 2 cents. “I pushed a slimy ball of life out of my vagina. There was tearing. I pooped.” Good for you. You chose to do that and deserve that pain. I didn’t sign up for this. I just happened to be born without a penis. That shit’s not fair.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go yell at someone. Then cry because I feel bad about yelling at them. Then eat a whole chicken.

2 Responses to “Period.”

  1. Kristen February 27, 2013 at 3:06 pm #

    “I’m not sure when my periods got so bad but recently I’ve come to the conclusion that my uterus is trying to kill me. It’s not bad enough that blood is gushing from my nether regions and my hormones are so completely out of whack that I cry at just about anything but I have to have excruciating cramps, too? Listen, Uterus, don’t make me take you out.” — I swear you are reading my mind. I’ve been on birth control continuously for 2 years so that my uterus would stop it’s murderous rampage. I decided randomly to stop and after 2 weeks of cramping and then what felt like a near death experience inside my uterus I went back on them with the intention of taking them non-stop again and avoiding that monthly mess. I really can’t handle it. Especially the PMS. I’m actually 99% sure that my first PMS episode in 2 years is WHY I got fired from my office. So clearly, my period was trying to ruin my life so I cut the bitch OFF.

    • Kimmy February 27, 2013 at 3:13 pm #

      Obviously what it comes down to is that the uterus is evil.

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